Executive Order 14363
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered:
Section 1. Purpose and Policy
Over the past two hundred and forty nine years, Americans have witnessed an organized and insidious campaign to convince them that past events occurred. Without proof, the perpetrators of this distorted narrative claim that, previous to the present moment, Americans did things that were good, or, more troubling, bad. The purported existence of historical events against which to compare the present is a radical-left campaign to cast my Administration in a negative light. In response, I will permanently and forever outlaw the past.
Once this policy is enacted, it will be illegal for Americans to retain any mental impression longer than that little haptic buzz you get when you use Apple Pay. This will once and for all liberate our great nation from the burden of remembering what they were so mad about. Was it a judge, or a Constitution thing? Something where they replaced the health-care system with a hot glass suction cup? A sex-criminal birthday brunch or fornication retirement cruise? A thing where masked assailants handcuff your friends and neighbors? An Oval Office meeting where they made the President of Peru watch an A.I. video of a “drugged-up” llama in a “gang hat” biting a priest? Keeping track will be punishable by the thing we are very much allowed to do and many say we should have been doing for a long time.
To emancipate the American people from collective memory, I henceforth proclaim:
Section 2: Eradicating Bad Things to Think About
(a) Within thirty days of the date of this directive, the Secretary of Energy shall, in consultation with leaders in crypto-funded private-sector science, embark on unrestricted research into eliminating all elements of history found to undermine confidence in American greatness (the eighteenth to twentieth centuries, the twenty-first century, the discontinuation of Ecto Cooler, et cetera). Every avenue of innovation in the field of past-erasure will be unleashed, including but not limited to:
(i) “Bill & Ted”-style guitar-fuelled kidnapping of Napoleon.
(ii) Modernizing the Library of Congress into a magnificent Aquarobics Pavilion & National Towel Cabana.
(iii) Peter Thiel converting a bunch of lab chimps to Christianity.
(b) To ensure accurate empirical results, fluoride will be removed from researchers’ drinking water, thereby protecting their eyeballs from becoming loose and magnetic.
Section 3. Restoring Only the Great and Beautiful Parts of the Past
Until such time as history can be safely eradicated, I am directing my Administration to restore dignity to those past events that remain patriotic to recall. I forthwith propound:
(a) The Chairman of the Department of Deluxe Sales Events (formerly Federal Trade Commission) shall:
(i) Determine the feasibility of another SEABISCUIT. In the nineteen-thirties or forties, millions of Americans were uplifted by the adventures of this powerful heterosexual horse. My Administration will work with top corporate partners in biotechnology and very fast running to create a new, much larger, and far more inspiring (i.e., gilded) beast.
