Katie McElveen
- After too many arguments on trips, my husband and I created a rule: We spend our travel days apart.Our biggest ground rule is that we always meet up for cocktails, dinner, and a download of our days.This rule has helped us stop fighting, have better vacation experiences, and connect even more.
As I get up from the breakfast table and kiss my husband goodbye, I realize I need to hurry if I'm going to make my train.
I'm not running off to a work meeting. We're on vacation in Paris and doing what we now do on every trip: exploring our destination separately.
I'll be taking a guided walking tour by myself. I'm not sure what Bill's plans are, but I know he'll tell me about them later. No matter where the day takes us, we'll meet back up for cocktails, dinner, and a full download of our respective days.
Some of our friends get confused when we tell them that we spend our travel days apart — but others have tried out our travel rule for themselves, and even adopted it in their own relationships.
We set up this rule after several vacation snafus
Katie McElveen
Bill and I didn't set out to spend most of our waking hours apart when we travel, but after too many street-corner squabbles, rushed shop visits, and exchanges that ended in "I don't know, what do you want to do?", we wondered why we couldn't get along better when we traveled.
We found our solution by accident about 10 years ago, when we arrived in Paris and learned that our hotel room was ready early. Bill opted to nap, so I spent a few hours exploring the city.
Later on, after I told him about my discoveries, he shared the details of his day, which included sleeping, reading, working, and strolling into a liquor store that carried a remarkable collection of bourbons.
Although my first instinct was to judge him for "wasting" a day in Paris, I reminded myself that vacation is about recharging in whatever way feels right. If I wanted to explore, I should be confident enough to do it by myself.
Meanwhile, Bill was not only thrilled that I'd had such a fulfilling day, but that he'd had the freedom to do exactly what he pleased. We both realized we might be onto something.
The next day, when he declined my invitation to spend a couple of hours at the Rodin Museum, I felt hurt at first — but then I realized I'd be able to fully immerse myself in the experience, without a thought about how long I was taking or where I might stop along the way.
At dinner that night, I shared my success ordering lunch in French at the museum café; he made me laugh with his story about being painstakingly fitted for a beret. He'd also scoped out a perfect spot for an after-dinner drink.
Respect and consideration are key
Katie McElveen
One of the reasons our arrangement works is that, over the years, we've developed a few ground rules for our days apart.
For starters, we always give each other a general idea of where we'll be; if that changes, we communicate over text. We also respect our agreed-upon meet-up time, and never day-drink to the point that we can't enjoy our time together.
We also keep our phones on, with our locations shared. This came in handy on one vacation in Carmel, California, when Bill tracked me down so he could show me a painting he'd fallen in love with at a nearby gallery. It hangs above our fireplace to this day.
Our system has only brought us closer
Katie McElveen
At dinner, Bill and I are always surprised by the number of couples who seem to speed through their meal with barely a word to each other.
When we meet up after a day apart, though, we never seem to run out of things to talk about. Our separate adventures spur so many fun stories that our dinners go on for hours — and, needless to say, our vacation quarrels are a thing of the past.
