ICE wants YOU to betray your fellow-HUMANS. Join ICE today and receive UP TO a $50,000 signing bonus, which YOU can spend on anything YOU want—like a LAWYER when you’re eventually TRIED at THE HAGUE.
ICE wants YOU to forget that YOU and nearly everyone YOU have ever KNOWN are descended from IMMIGRANTS. We also want YOU to ignore the FACT that the FIRST LADY worked in the U.S. before ever getting a WORK VISA. ICE reminds YOU that YOU will not arrest MODELS, as they are CRUCIAL to our ECONOMY.
ICE wants YOU to put your LEFT foot in then put your LEFT foot out then DO the hokeypokey and TURN IN your brother-in-law whom YOU didn’t realize THIS would AFFECT.
ICE wants YOU to put on a MASK to do your JOB. But NOT like during COVID when YOU didn’t WANT to wear a MASK. This time, it’s NOT for protecting OTHERS from HARM—it’s for protecting your IDENTITY while YOU harm OTHERS.
ICE wants YOU to go into CITIES, but, don’t WORRY, we won’t make YOU ride the SUBWAY because HIGHLY ACCESSIBLE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION is just too SCARY.
ICE wants YOU to protect your COUNTRY from PROGRESS.
ICE wants YOU to follow ORDERS and never think for YOURSELF again. ICE feels like YOU might be INTO that sort of THING. Become an ICE agent TODAY and get PAID to OBEY like a GOOD little BOY or GIRL but CONSIDERING who signs UP for this kind of thing most likely BOY.
ICE wants YOU to enter SCHOOLS and HOSPITALS. YOU will be JUST like THE ROCK or some OTHER celebrity who visits CHILDREN and the SICK, except YOU will be TAKING them with YOU. ICE wants YOU to be remembered FOREVER, with no PROMISES about HOW exactly YOU will be REMEMBERED.
ICE wants YOU to let us KNOW how to STOP putting every few WORDS in all CAPS.
ICE wants YOU to figure out WHY this JOB POST keeps getting TROLLED by people making FUN of our MISSION. ICE wants to know WHY it’s so HARD to be LIKED when all we’re DOING is kidnapping GRANDMOTHERS.
ICE wants YOU to provide PROOF that your FAMILY has been in this COUNTRY long enough to MEET our latest REQUIREMENTS. Your BONUS is PENDING, based on the results of this RESEARCH.
ICE wants YOU to arrest YOURSELF because YOU are now the THREAT. ICE wants YOU to SHOW your LOYALTY—put a BAG over your HEAD and TURN yourself IN and then WE will pay SOME of YOUR student LOANS. ♦
