Wesley Graft
- Wesley Graft and his wife both work full-time in education and have a 1-year-old daughter.Shortly after his daughter was born, Graft was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy, a nerve damage condition.Graft and his wife manage with a lot of coordination, planning, and help from their support network.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Wesley Graft, a 37-year-old director of student services at a school in Chatsworth, California. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
In the weeks leading up to my daughter's birth, it felt like a boa constrictor was wrapped around my legs. I had trouble with my coordination, and my legs felt very tight.
My doctor told me it was peripheral neuropathy, a nerve damage condition that affects the limbs, hands, and feet.
The pain spreads differently for everyone. For me, it causes pain and discomfort in my quads, and I have almost no feeling in my feet. I remember when the doctor used a reflex hammer to hit my knee, and nothing happened.
The symptoms just kept getting worse. After my daughter was born, I was worried about holding her and doing all the tasks that dads usually do, due to my muscle weakness and trouble with my balance.
That was over a year ago, and my diagnosis is still evolving. My wife and my now-1-year-old daughter have helped me through this whole process.
My wife Kim and I both work full-time in education
Kim's a preschool teacher, and I'm the director of student services at a middle and high school.
Since my diagnosis affects my balance, I've recently started walking with a cane at work. My job is mainly at a desk, handling staff scheduling. I try to get up and move as much as possible throughout the day, since my doctor says the more stagnant you are, the worse the pain becomes.
Wesley Graft
Since Kim and I both need to work to keep up with our bills, we pay for day care, which isn't cheap. It runs us $365 a week at a family day care. Kim would prefer to stay home to care for our daughter, but she loves her job and would probably miss her time away from the classroom.
My job is understanding and allows me to work from home sometimes, when our day care is on vacation, since my wife has no option to work from home.
During the pandemic, I developed a habit of working outside business hours, but ever since we've had our daughter, I've been trying to break that habit and be more aware of how much I check Teams or my work email at home.
The medical bills have added up
My wife and I are a team for raising our daughter and tackling the expenses that come with it.
Education isn't the most lucrative industry, so we always have to consider costs in relation to our paycheck. Medical expenses have piled up on top of our other monthly bills, like our mortgage and day care costs.
I've gotten three MRIs — on my neck, my brain, and, most recently, my lower lumbar region — and they easily racked up several thousand dollars. Thankfully, we had some help with insurance, but the costs were still high.
It's been challenging making it all work, but we're figuring it out as we go.
Living with my condition comes with challenges
Because of my condition, I can't mirror everything my wife does. For example, at home, I have to carry our daughter on my shoulder to have a free hand, in case I lose my balance and need to hold on to a nearby wall or chair.
Every time I have to get up to turn off the light or walk to the next room, I'm very focused on my next step, making sure I'm not knocking into anything — especially when I'm carrying my daughter.
We live on the second floor of a walk-up condo, and my wife is often the one carrying our daughter up and down the stairs. I can't carry her car seat and hold onto the railing as easily as Kim can, and I don't want to risk it. My knee once gave out while trying to get up the stairs with a heavy load of groceries.
My wife and I were each guaranteed 12 weeks off work by our employers, but I used my vacation and sick time to spend another month with our daughter, so Kim went back before I did.
For that month, when my wife would leave every morning, I was eager to spend time with my daughter, but afraid my neuropathy might affect my ability to care for her alone. I rarely left the house besides taking out the trash or getting the mail, just to be safe. It was scary initially, but it worked out well.
Thankfully, we haven't had any accidents, but that fear is always in the back of my head when caring for her. I do my best to move methodically.
Kim doesn't want me to overextend myself. But also, I want to make sure Kim doesn't have to carry the full responsibility of raising our daughter.
I try to smell the roses and be OK with not living up to the old-school thoughts that the "masculine tasks" should be done by me.
Familial support has been the most significant help through this
We have a village of support, with my parents and siblings all lending a hand in helping our family run as smoothly as possible.
My brother and sister live close by, and we see them often. My brother and his wife have a son who's a couple of months older than our daughter, and we take turns looking after the kids to lighten the load and allow us to spend some time not just being parents.
Wesley Graft
As my condition is developing, our daughter is developing as well. It's been a bit easier to care for her now that she's growing. She's standing for longer periods of time, starting to walk, and saying some words.
Her smiling face makes it all worth it. She's a wonderful kid, and we may be biased because we're her parents, but she's perfect in every way.
Are you a parent struggling to find your way through the economy? Contact this reporter at bdelk@insider.com.
