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- My sister gave up her 40-year-old nursing career to care for our elderly parents.She buys their groceries, prepares most of their meals, and drives them to appointments.I live in the US, 3,000 miles away from them in the UK, and I feel terrible because I can't help.
Before my sister recently went on vacation for seven days with her husband, she cooked a week's worth of hearty dinners for my parents.
She put the dishes in the fridge and freezer so they could easily be picked out and microwaved every evening.
It was a lovely gesture, and I'm so thankful. However, I have a far more important reason to be grateful to my older sibling: she gave up a successful career to care for our parents.
My sister worked as a mental health nurse and helped kids
She'd been a nurse in our native North-East England since the age of 18, and gained experience in units ranging from labor and delivery to geriatric facilities. She also had a stint in the ER.
But her main gigs were working as a school nurse before moving into the mental health sector for children.
We're so lucky to still have our parents in our lives
She was fully committed to every job she held and played a key role as an employee of the National Health Service, Britain's universal healthcare system, which constantly needs experienced staff.
However, last year, she quit at the age of 59 to become a carer for my parents, who are 95 and 89, respectively.
Her role includes buying groceries, cooking most of their meals, and driving them to appointments and the beautiful spots they love to visit in their area.
I've never done my parents' laundry or prepared a meal for them
We're so lucky to still have our parents in our lives. But, like many people their age, they have had health issues over the years. Still, they live in their own home and are sharp as tacks. They read The London Times and listen to the radio news every day.
The trouble is, since I live in New York, where I'm busy pursuing my own career and raising teens, I am rarely in the UK to spend time with them. I've never once helped do their laundry or prepared a meal for them. I feel guilty.
I ask myself whether I'm a terrible daughter
I've felt so bad that I've questioned whether I did the right thing by accepting a job in Manhattan and crossing the Atlantic two decades ago. I had planned to stay for a maximum of three years, but I met my American husband and ended up staying.
I ask myself whether I'm a terrible daughter and sister for living 3,000 miles away and prioritizing myself.
Five years ago, I spoke to an acquaintance. They'd lived in their home city their whole life, while their siblings had moved a long way away. "They're the winners," they said, "and I'm the loser." They told me how they and their partner were duty-bound to stay where they were to care for their aging parents.
They'd hoped to emigrate to another country for retirement, they said, but it was no longer an option. I didn't know if their words were directed at me, but they stung and made me feel selfish.
Their point of view made me think. Although my sister has never expressed resentment, I wonder if she is a little disappointed in me.
I want to give back, even in a small way
I'm fortunate because my job offers a decent amount of vacation time. If I fly over to care for our parents for a week or two, my sister could take some much-needed time off with her husband.
I could take my folks for trips to the countryside, cook their meals, do their laundry, and, best of all, listen to their stories and wisdom.
Of course, it could only be a temporary arrangement because I'd have to get back to New York for the kids and my work. I wouldn't dare say I could ever replace my sister. But I like to think that my mom and dad — and, crucially, my sister — would welcome a little bit of change.
