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- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.This week, a reader feels resentful that her husband won't buy her the engagement ring he promised her 17 years ago.Our columnist advises that the reader's request isn't frivolous, and suggests a frank conversation with her husband.Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
Seventeen years ago, when my now-husband proposed to me, he gave me a small ring with a fake stone and cheap metal. We both agreed it was a placeholder; we were poor and decided that the security of our life together was more important than big diamonds. My wedding ring was just a plain gold band, so when the cheap engagement ring broke within the first two years of our marriage, I started wearing just the band, and have been ever since. However, we agreed on several occasions that for our 10th anniversary, he'd buy me my dream ring.
Our 10th anniversary came and went. I reminded my husband about the ring, but we had some significant expenses at the time, and ended up prioritizing an anniversary trip over gifts. I've tried to have a good attitude about this, but in recent years, it's started to hurt my feelings. When we have a windfall or a special occasion, I'll gently remind him that I'm still waiting on a ring, but he mostly ignores me, and we spend the money on other things.
Over the years, my dream ring has gone from a $10,000 diamond to a $1,500 moissanite, and he knows this because I often send him links. He doesn't acknowledge any of it. We don't have fights about it, but when I try to force the conversation, he acts like I'm being ridiculous and moves on to more "important" financial priorities.
The longer this goes on, the more resentful I become — but also, the sillier I feel. We've been married for 17 years. I'm in my 40s, we're saving for our children's college tuition, and I'm still stuck on a piece of jewelry. At this point, I think my insistence has less to do with the ring itself and more to do with my husband breaking a promise, ignoring my reminders, and refusing to give his wife something beautiful and expensive. How do I get through to him?
Sincerely,
(Not) Asking Too Much
Dear Not Asking Too Much,
You aren't. It would seem you already know this, based on the sign-off you chose, but in case you're caught up on the apparent frivolity of a forty-something woman demanding a bigger ring, allow me to underline it: You aren't asking too much. In fact, I'd argue you're asking for the bare minimum — that your husband keep his promise to you and put you first on your shared financial priority list now and then.
That said, I don't plan to advise you on the best way to squeeze a ring from your husband's tight fist. You could probably find a way to cajole him, give him scary ultimatums, or tickle his insecurities by pointing out the rings of his friends' and rivals' wives. But the problem is, no matter how you might try to manipulate the situation, none of those things will truly get through to him, and would likely cause more harm to your marriage than good.
That's the rub. I don't know this for certain, but it seems like you want your husband to want to buy you this emblem of devotion and commitment, based on the fact that you still send him links to the rings you like rather than just tapping the purchase button yourself and drawing from the shared bank accounts you presumably have access to.
I might be wrong — maybe you really just want a prettier ring, which is entirely fair. (I would hardly call waiting 17 years to get a single piece of jewelry materialistic.) If that's the case, all you have to do is let your husband know that you've thought about it, decided this is your financial priority, set aside some money for it, and swipe your card.
But I think it's more likely you want the ring to represent your husband's love and adoration. Unfortunately, this means you simply don't get to have your way unless your husband independently experiences a change of heart. You want your husband to feel something toward you that culminates in a ring, and while we can influence people's actions and thoughts, we can't force anyone to feel anything.
I'd suggest you start by sitting down and having a frank discussion with your husband, to share why this ring means so much to you, and find out why he doesn't seem to care about it. While texting your husband links to rings is hardly subtle, the fact that you sometimes feel silly about even wanting a piece of jewelry so badly may be causing you to hedge in your conversations with him about it, offering him an easy out. You could even show him the letter you wrote me to demonstrate how important this is to you.
On the other hand, your husband may see an engagement ring this many years into your marriage as a frivolous expense and a particularly narrow financial goal, considering only one member of your family will benefit from it. And while you and I may see it as a just reward for 17 years of patience, he probably considers that same timeline as evidence that you don't need one. After all, you've survived with a simple band for nearly two decades. In the face of all the financial bills, totaled cars, and home repair costs you two may have faced together over the years, he could just not recognize how important this really is to you.
If, after the conversation, your husband still can't hear the need behind your want and continues to ignore you, or your conversation about it devolves into endless circles, I'd suggest you seek couples counseling about the matter. This may seem like a dramatic response, but it shows that this isn't just about a ring; it's about a promise, a value, and a symbol of your love — as well as being able to have respectful and empathetic communication. Of course, you want him to want to give that all to you.
Hopefully, once your husband recognizes that your desire for this ring goes deeper than a new bauble to show off to your friends, he will be happy to oblige. The key to communicating this to him is in recognizing it yourself — you aren't asking too much. You've loved one another and honored that commitment for nearly two decades. That is worth showing off, if only to one another.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
