Courtesy of Cathy Pedrayes
- Cathy Pedrayes is a mom of two and wrote a book about online safety.She says that parents need to put aside their fear when talking with teens.Empathy, understanding, and curiosity will lead to better conversations, she says.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Cathy Pedrayes, author of "The Mom Friend Guide to Everyday Safety and Security." It has been edited for length and clarity.
I've always been very interested in safety. I have a bit of a strange background, including being an environmental scientist who did site inspections and a QVC host. These days, I'm a TikTok influencer with more than 2 million followers. I post about all sorts of safety, including digital security.
My kids are too young for social media — they're only 2 and 3. But I have a 20-year-old sister and teenage nieces, and I've always been their go-to adult when it comes to online life. I'm 36, but I spend a ton of time online. I understand safety from a patent perspective and also as a person who enjoys the apps that many teens love.
Parents often make mistakes when it comes to online security and talking with teens. Here's how to avoid common pitfalls and really keep your kids safe online.
Ditch the fear
A huge part of my job is combating fear. The internet can be scary, but approaching it from a place of fear isn't useful. When people act out of fear, they try to control things. That's not really helpful online, because you're never going to be able to completely control your kids' actions.
Pushing aside fear is easier said than done. I like to focus on some mantras: We are a community, and most people are good. There are simple things you can do every day to keep yourself and your children safer online. Yes, there are scary headlines, but you can mitigate the risks.
Keep online safety simple
Instead of being fearful, empower yourself and your teen with these two super simple actions:
First, update your apps regularly. This reduces your exposure to vulnerability within the app. Second, use the best practices for passwords. Have unique passwords, use two-factor authentication, and consider getting a password manager.
Doing these two simple things can eliminate most online risks. Safety doesn't have to be complicated!
Set up child accounts
Too often, parents set up a device with their own information (birthday and email, for example). That might give you easy access, but it also bypasses all of the built-in protections that child accounts automatically have. Whether you're setting up a tablet or social media account, it's best to use your child's actual age, which will engage the safety features they're meant to have.
Don't rely too heavily on parental controls
Parental controls are a great tool, and I encourage everyone to use them. However, like any tool, they're imperfect. Even if you have your parental controls perfectly dialed in, you still need to actively monitor and talk about your kids' digital activities.
Use open-ended questions
The online landscape is changing constantly — most recently with the introduction of AI. Teaching kids to be skeptical of content they see online is really important today. If you stumble across an AI post, show it to your child. Ask them how they can tell it's fake, and share how you noticed.
Questions like these will help you get a better idea of your kids' online experience. Ask them, "What did you see today that was great? What did you see that was a little weird?"
Don't expect perfection
Parents want to make sure there's no way that their child will make a mistake online. As a mom, I get that, but it's just not realistic. Kids are going to make mistakes.
Make it your goal to help your kids manage their own online lives, rather than controlling them. Occasionally, that will include managing mistakes, but if you have good safety measures, open dialogue, and regular check-ins, the consequences shouldn't be too bad.
