Beatles lyrics updated for their contemporaries, on the occasion of Ringo Starr’s recent eighty-fifth birthday.
Listen
Do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell?
Whoa, oh, oh
Closer
Let me whisper in your ear
It’s the left one that still hears?
Now I’ve forgotten what I wanted to say
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ooh.
•
Anytime at all
Before 9 p.m.
Anytime at all
Before 9 p.m.
Anytime at all
If I’m not in bed just call
And I’ll be there.
•
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
You’d think some of them would’ve at least sent food for Eleanor’s wake.
•
Doctor Robert
You’re a new and better man
Though he’s off most Medicare plans
Pay out of pocket if you can
Doctor Robert.
•
When I get older, losing my mind
Not that long from now
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings, hydralazine?
If I keep napping past quarter to three
Would you assume I’m alive?
Will you still feed me, please don’t delete me
When I’m ninety-five.
•
Why don’t we do it if we can
Why don’t we do it if we can
Cialis will be helping us
Why don’t we do it if . . . oh, well.
•
I call your name
But you’re not there
Was I to blame?
For not texting instead?
Oh, I left a long voice mail
Though no one listens to them anymore
(I just wanted you to know that Rachel’s cousin’s brother-in-law has leukemia, but I think the good kind.)
I never keep it short
I call your name.
•
Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream
It is not dying
It is not dying
Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void
I really hope it’s not dying
It feels like it might be dying
That you may see the meaning of within
I think I’ll get up now
Thank God I can get up now.
•
Asked that gal what she wanted of me
She said, “Listen, babe, come and see.
My kids took my car and it’s breaking my heart
But let’s take a spin in this sweet golf cart.”
•
Here comes the sun
Doo dun doo doo (phew!)
Here comes the sun and I say
I’m still here!
•
Well, she was just seventy
Work done, from eyes to knees
But I’m almost sure she still had her own hair
Well, I couldn’t dance with another
Ooooo!
Or anyone in level-four care.
•
Woke up, got out of bed
So glad I wasn’t dead
Found my way downstairs despite my knees
And looking up . . . I forgot why I’d walked into the room
[Breathing sounds]
Found my phone, but not my keys
If you see them, tell me, please
Found my way upstairs to make a call
But couldn’t make it work, these new phones are such a pain
Iiii . . . Iiii aiii aiii . . . Iiii aiii aiiiiiii . . . .
I’d love . . .
To turn . . .
This on.
•
Yesterday . . .
That’s all I really have to say. ♦
